Why I read it?
Who doesn’t want to communicate better with their colleagues, family, and friends? We all know that everyone communicates differently, so I’m always interested in learning how to adapt my style to match the needs of whoever I am talking to. This book stood out because it doesn’t just focus on the words we say, it emphasizes the context of the conversation and how that shapes our communication.
What is it all about?
The core theme of the book is the “Matching Principle:” how to create a connection with someone during conversation by recognizing the purpose of the conversation and nonverbal cues (body language, tone, emotion), then adjusting your communication style and questions accordingly.
Duhigg breaks all conversations into three categories:
What’s This Really About: decision-making/practical conversations
How Do We Feel: emotional conversations
Who Are We: social or relationship conversations
If you can recognize the type of conversation, you can quickly adapt your communication
style.
What caused me to pause?
Duhigg noted that the most effective communicators pause before speaking and ask themselves, “Why am I opening my mouth?” He goes on to explain how miscommunication or communication breakdowns usually stem from one party being under the “illusion” that a conversation, decision, etc. has already taken place. If you are so focused on getting your point across that you fail to listen or meet the other person where they are, the conversation effectively never happened.
How will this book change habits or influence me?
I am going to focus on applying the Matching Principle to both personal and professional interactions! It’s a play on the saying “find a need, fill the need.” You don’t have to be inauthentic; you just need to try to be on the same page of what the conversation is about or what the other party needs at that moment.
I also loved the “looping to understand” technique that was discussed as a part of active listening. While we often think active listening involves nonverbal cues or body language that shows we are paying attention, looping takes it one step further: distilling the other person’s thoughts into your own words, then repeating them back. This shows we’re truly hearing what they are saying and that their words matter.
Add this to your reading list if:
You want to learn how to communicate with others – both personally and professionally – especially with people who may communicate or listen differently than you do.
Pickle rating: I would give this book a 3.5 out of 5!
The World is Your Oyster